Sleeping with the door open

I have been thinking a lot about fear of commitment and what its effects are on those of us contemplating meeting people and possibly beginning new relationships.

This morning I came downstairs at 5 AM to get ready to go to the pool for my swim workout. My front door opens into a small entryway and then there’s an interior door that leads into my downstairs. On nice afternoons and evenings I often leave the front door open to let more natural light in through the storm door. Apparently yesterday I did this and I must have closed the interior door before going to bed. I normally lock up at night and you can imagine my surprise to find that my home had been “unprotected” while I slept.

One of the reasons I like living in Vermont is that it’s relatively safe. Bad things can happen anywhere, but in much of Vermont it is still possible to leave your car unlocked, to sleep with the windows open in summer, and, apparently, to leave your front door open all night.

I would like my next relationship to be similar to living in Vermont, safe and comfortable, where the norm is warmth, and openness, and honesty. I don’t want to have to be guarded with the one I love and I don’t want her to be that way with me. I think for two people to actively and deeply love each other, it has to be safe to leave the door to your heart unlocked, with each person sharing in the responsibility of letting that openness illuminate their thoughts, desires, dreams and feelings. When we give into fear, when we deadbolt ourselves behind layers of protection, we may be safe, but we are also isolated. 

I’ve been alone too much of my adult life, safe but not deeply and emotionally connected. Having two daughters helped me to be more open with my feelings. As a divorced person it can be hard to face our fear of commitment, our fear of getting hurt another time. I don’t have any amazing advice except to say that three years ago I took the risk again. I fell in love and let myself open up in ways I never had before. That relationship didn’t go the way I hoped and it hurt a lot when it ended. But having let myself be receptive to love, I now find that I am less afraid of loving again and I am excited about what lies ahead for me.

I guess I am learning to be comfortable sleeping with an open door and that thought makes me happy and optimisitc about my future relationships.