I can't seem to escape the feeling of numbness. I am either actively thinking about, feeling angry, sad, hurt, betrayed...or I am numb, feeling empty. There appears to be no place I can go where my memories don't follow me, no activity that frees me from the torture of my broken heart. Increasingly I find a margarita, a glass of wine, or some other beverage in my hand in an attempt to medicate, to drive myself to feel less, think less, slumber more. It works, but only for a while.
I'm lucky in a lot of ways. I have a job I don't love, but it pays well. I have my health and I use that to stay in great shape. I live in a beautiful place and I try to experience and appreciate that as much as possible. All of these things allow me moments of peace, occasionally even pleasure, but moving on has never been easy for me. I really loved this woman and I have way too many wonderful feelings to easily forgive and forget.
I know it will happen. I will find a new path. But right now I hate how palpable the old one is, how it haunts me and leaves me exhausted and miserable and numb.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Sunset in morning
My dad had a saying that he frequently used, "sunset at night, sailor's delight, sunset in morning, sailor take warning!" He was in the Marines during the Korean War and I suspect this is one of many anecdotes he brought back.
It's been a strange winter weather-wise in Vermont this year. We've had almost no snow and the temperatures have been inconsistent to say the least. As a triathlete I train year-round and that means running outside all winter. On Tuesday I did a hard session on my indoor bike trainer, then quickly changed into running gear for an easy 4 miler. I dressed for the cold, but it was more frigid than I expected, about 5'F to be exact. Needless to say, I ran faster than planned because my face got numb and my hands really hurt.
This morning my training plan said to do a pace progression run for an hour. This is a good, hard workout, but not so intense that it defines how you feel for the rest of the day. For me it's 20 minutes building to a steady run, then 3x7:00 minutes of work interval with 3 minutes rest in between, each interval faster than the previous one, with a 10 minute cool-down back to home.
I like this workout and, as we're in March now, the days are getting longer so I don't have to run in the dark as much. Even though Tuesday was bitter, this morning was mild and breezy, temperatures in the 50's. It was a pleasure to step outside into the half light and start ticking over the legs.
Not long into the run the sky began to turn pink. It was beautiful as there were some light puffy clouds to catch the color. The "sunset in morning" didn't last very long, but, despite the portent that my Dad's saying whispered in my head, for me, on this day, it was a great accompaniment to my workout.
Simply put, I didn't take warning. Instead I hammered out three good intervals, reveling in the light, the color, the mild air, and the peace that comes to me when I am moving under my own power swiftly enough to sense the speed as the Vermont landscape slides past.
Maybe some day I'll be a sailor, but for now triathlon is my thing, Kona Ironman is my dream, and I'll take all the uplifting sunrises I can get.
It's been a strange winter weather-wise in Vermont this year. We've had almost no snow and the temperatures have been inconsistent to say the least. As a triathlete I train year-round and that means running outside all winter. On Tuesday I did a hard session on my indoor bike trainer, then quickly changed into running gear for an easy 4 miler. I dressed for the cold, but it was more frigid than I expected, about 5'F to be exact. Needless to say, I ran faster than planned because my face got numb and my hands really hurt.
This morning my training plan said to do a pace progression run for an hour. This is a good, hard workout, but not so intense that it defines how you feel for the rest of the day. For me it's 20 minutes building to a steady run, then 3x7:00 minutes of work interval with 3 minutes rest in between, each interval faster than the previous one, with a 10 minute cool-down back to home.
I like this workout and, as we're in March now, the days are getting longer so I don't have to run in the dark as much. Even though Tuesday was bitter, this morning was mild and breezy, temperatures in the 50's. It was a pleasure to step outside into the half light and start ticking over the legs.
Not long into the run the sky began to turn pink. It was beautiful as there were some light puffy clouds to catch the color. The "sunset in morning" didn't last very long, but, despite the portent that my Dad's saying whispered in my head, for me, on this day, it was a great accompaniment to my workout.
Simply put, I didn't take warning. Instead I hammered out three good intervals, reveling in the light, the color, the mild air, and the peace that comes to me when I am moving under my own power swiftly enough to sense the speed as the Vermont landscape slides past.
Maybe some day I'll be a sailor, but for now triathlon is my thing, Kona Ironman is my dream, and I'll take all the uplifting sunrises I can get.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Just called to say hi
Having a partner in life can be an amazing and comforting experience, but like many things in life it is all too easy to take it for granted. I recently went through a break-up, it happened suddenly and I didn't expect it. When the end came it was drastic, immediate, and mystifying.
Now, a month later, I am perhaps through the worst of the shock, hurt, and fear......I am begininng to settle into being alone again. I miss many things about that relationship like falling asleep next to the person I love, going to yoga and reaching out to touch that person or meet their eye during class, or laughing together at something funny in everyday life.
Today I noticed that I missed the little bit of contact that we used to have each day while at our respective jobs. This was an e-mail, a text, occasionally a phone call just to feel connected. These weren't as frequent or as deep recently as I would have liked, but I still find that as my day goes on now I feel a certain emptiness at not having that connection anymore, knowing I won't see her at home tonight, won't get to talk to her about our days or greet her with a hug.
It is that daily spark, that little tie to another person that I loved and shared life with that I miss the most. I'm sure some day I'll have that friendship and closeness again, that I'll love again, but today, right now, my heart aches for that missing connection that was cut so cleanly a month ago today.
Now, a month later, I am perhaps through the worst of the shock, hurt, and fear......I am begininng to settle into being alone again. I miss many things about that relationship like falling asleep next to the person I love, going to yoga and reaching out to touch that person or meet their eye during class, or laughing together at something funny in everyday life.
Today I noticed that I missed the little bit of contact that we used to have each day while at our respective jobs. This was an e-mail, a text, occasionally a phone call just to feel connected. These weren't as frequent or as deep recently as I would have liked, but I still find that as my day goes on now I feel a certain emptiness at not having that connection anymore, knowing I won't see her at home tonight, won't get to talk to her about our days or greet her with a hug.
It is that daily spark, that little tie to another person that I loved and shared life with that I miss the most. I'm sure some day I'll have that friendship and closeness again, that I'll love again, but today, right now, my heart aches for that missing connection that was cut so cleanly a month ago today.
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