Numb

I can't seem to escape the feeling of numbness. I am either actively thinking about, feeling angry, sad, hurt, betrayed...or I am numb, feeling empty. There appears to be no place I can go where my memories don't follow me, no activity that frees me from the torture of my broken heart. Increasingly I find a margarita, a glass of wine, or some other beverage in my hand in an attempt to medicate, to drive myself to feel less, think less, slumber more. It works, but only for a while.

I'm lucky in a lot of ways. I have a job I don't love, but it pays well. I have my health and I use that to stay in great shape. I live in a beautiful place and I try to experience and appreciate that as much as possible. All of these things allow me moments of peace, occasionally even pleasure, but moving on has never been easy for me. I really loved this woman and I have way too many wonderful feelings to easily forgive and forget.

I know it will happen. I will find a new path. But right now I hate how palpable the old one is, how it haunts me and leaves me exhausted and miserable and numb.