Someone sent this Albert Einstein quote to me today:
"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving."
I had been thinking about my situation……that is, where I am in my life personally, professionally, financially, and emotionally…..and contemplating whether it’s time to make some changes. I don’t mean small changes like where I buy my espresso each morning or what I do on my day off from work, which to be sure can still make a big difference, but of more transformative actions like moving to another part of the country, embarking on a journey of spiritual rebirth, or changing careers. The quote added a new perspective to my ponderings.
The reality is that I have been where I am for a long time. I mean that literally and figuratively, in that I’ve been living in Vermont for 22 years and have been in Chittenden County for 19 of those years. My daughters have grown up here, left to go to college elsewhere, and returned to do their post-graduate work in Vermont. I have had the opportunity to work for several interesting companies in Vermont, have gotten divorced here, learned to rock climb and kayak, and even fell head-over-heels in love again four years ago, something I had stopped believing was possible.
Recently the relationship that developed from that love came to an abrupt end. I won’t say much about it here except than she wasn’t who I thought she was, she didn’t value me or the relationship as much as she had led me to believe, and her sneakiness and dishonesty at the end has left my heart shattered and my trust in my fellow human beings greatly reduced. Right now I don’t know if I’ll be able to heal and try again or not.
I mention her because Burlington is not a very big area and it is impossible not to see each other from time to time, in passing on the road, at the market, or walking on Church Street. I have never been very good at letting go, accepting endings, and moving on. For some people it seems to be easier, but for me it’s a massive undertaking……it makes the 140.6 mile long Lake Placid Ironman that I’m preparing for seem like a short walk on the beach at sunset.
I saw her this last Saturday for the first time since she told me she didn’t love me anymore and could I please move out of her home that day? I hadn't heard from her at all....no calls, no texts, no e-mails, nothing.....she never even said good-bye. It's like we never existed and without closure I am like a drowning man without a life preserver. I've been trying to rebuild my life, to create new connections and find some solace wherever I can. And, I have been toying with the idea of fleeing the area to avoid just this kind of thing. Seeing her on Saturday renewed my desire to be somewhere, anywhere else, where I could be spared such encounters.
The thing is, I love Vermont. It’s a beautiful place and I take more than my fair share of peace, joy, and fun from living and working and training here. A part of me doesn’t want to change, doesn’t want to give up what I have here. But then I think of what Albert Einstein said and I wonder if I need to keep moving to keep my balance (or re-establish it). Maybe it is time to try a new job, to go to a new place, to be open to new friends, experiences, and opportunities.
I feel like a kid thinking about how to answer when someone asks them what they want to be when they grow up. I don't know.....the answers aren’t entirely clear at this point, but at least I can be grateful that I have the freedom to consider my options and hopefully the courage to face whatever I decide.
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