Perseverance

Not too long ago I wrote about intensity as it relates to pacing in triathlons and sustainable intimacy in the context of relationships.  The weather was nice this last weekend and I went over to Lake Placid, New York to ride the Ironman course so that I know what to expect for my race there in July.  As I rode past the Olympic Ski Jumps and headed out toward Pitchoff, which is the end of the first climb, I was thinking about pacing, what the right level of effort would be to sustain me through the workout.  I tried to ride with a relatively high cadence, not pushing too hard on the pedals, saving my legs for the harder efforts to come.  I carried a map with me so I knew where to turn.  However, I soon discovered that the map did not really tell me what was coming, and despite educated expectations, there were surprises for me on Saturday's ride.

I was cruising nicely out to about mile 30, which is where there's a turnaround on a 6 mile out-and-back leg of the course that runs into the town of Ausable Forks, New York.  Upon making the turnaround I found myself riding into a stiff headwind.  The sun had retreated behind some clouds and the day didn't seem quite so nice.  I then made the right hand turn toward Wilmington and found myself on a long steady climb, which brought me to the base of Whiteface Mountain and the start of an even longer, steeper 10 mile climb back to Lake Placid. 

I put my head down and just kept riding.  My mind started telling me I should take a break, get off the bike for a rest. I was supposed to ride four hours, which I knew would be one 56 mile loop on the course and then at least another 30 to 40 minutes into a second loop.  On that long climb up the canyon, the river along side me going with gravity instead of fighting it like me, with the wind gusting, and my arms getting chilled, I started to second guess myself.  My legs were burning and getting tired, my neck hurt, and, quite frankly, the rough and bumpy road was taking a toll on my crotch.  My mind suggested that stopping after completing one loop would be enough, especially since I was fighting off a cold.  And to be honest, I was beginning to question my sanity in signing up for the Ironman at all.  How was I going to run a marathon after such a monstrous climb, which on race day I had to accomplish twice before ever donning my running shoes?

In relationships, as with triathlons, we often know what the course looks like, but that doesn't mean we know what surprises, issues, and challenges we will encounter along the way.  Nor does having an idea about the path to be followed give us any clues about how we will feel as we make that journey with a partner.  All relationships go through tough times and it is human nature to doubt ourselves and our situation when we are challenged.  I believe that at these times we have choices to make about whether we get through it together......or not.

To be clear, I am not talking about relationships with abuse, or where one of the people involved is having an affair, is addicted to drugs, or has a gambling problem.  These are major issues and are what I would consider to be show stoppers, akin to being hit by a car and breaking a leg.  There's no choice but to stop and try to figure out what needs to be done from a health and safety perspective. 

When I talk about working through things together, I mean working through the issues that arise between two people who are trying to get through the daily grind of working, caring for kids, keeping a home, managing a budget, and the myriad of other glamorous things that fill our modern lives.  It is inevitable that there will be times of disagreement, days where we are annoyed by the habits of our significant other, where we snap at each other, or have confrontations about how or what to do.  We may be tired of putting into the relationship and feeling like not enough comes back, or perhaps our expectations for the relationship are just different than the reality. 

Whatever the case, we begin to wonder about the relationship, doubts about whether we're right for each other may plague us.  In some cases these doubts may even lead someone to end the relationship.  Every situation is different, but my point in this post is that if two people are together and the problems are not on the list of major issues, then it can be presumed that they love and care for each other.  Daily life and misplaced expectations have a way of wearing us down and masking the warmer feelings we have for each other.  This can make us doubt our relationship in much the way the bumps in the road, the pitch of the climb, the strength of the wind have a way of testing my commitment on a Saturday ride in the Adirondacks. 

Sustainable pace is an important aspect in triathlon and in relationships, I really believe that.  But going at the right pace is only part of the battle.  There will be times when the going gets tough and at these junctures, you need determination to push through.  If both people in a relationship can find a way to trust in their love for one another to persevere, then they can work through the hard times together.  When they succeed at this they build a shared memory of overcoming an obstacle, of facing down discomfort in their interactions, of pressing through pain as a couple, and these experiences become points of referral that help sustain the couple through the next difficult time.

I didn't give up on my ride.  I kept going and I made it to Lake Placid, then I continued beyond as planned, returned to the village and went for a run around Mirror Lake.  I covered 70 miles on the bike and another 3 on foot.  I persevered and I am glad I did because each time I do that I build my confidence, both in my abilities and in my resolve. 

I don't believe that people are made for each other.  I think that if two individuals form a relationship and make the decision to build a life together, then they are right enough.  Once they reach that point, commitment and determination are required to sustain the relationship and to work through the hard times.  Relationships are not easy, not always fun, they take work, communication, patience, and acceptance.  Learning to go at the right pace and having the confidence to overcome doubts is the only way to get to the finish line, whether in love or in sport.