Self Worth

I am writing today about self worth.  This term probably has different meanings for each person, but to me it signifies how I feel about myself, about the life that I have created, and my sense of belonging and connection to the world in which we live.  As such self worth is a feeling and is influenced intangibly by the confluence of many factors, including but not limited to health, career, relationships, finances, and hobbies.  I think my self worth waxes and wanes, like the phases of the moon albeit less consistently, and the causes of these fluctuations gives me pause to ponder.

My first triathlon of the season is quickly approaching, the Mooseman 70.3 Half Ironman, in Bristol, New Hampshire on June 3rd.  This race takes place in a beautiful setting, but is tough.  The swim is in Newfound Lake with crystal clear water that is typically about 60 degrees this time of year.  The bike course has a brutal climb on it that you have to go over twice.  Usually on the second time up you find yourself just trying to keep moving so you don't topple over at the steepest section.  The run is actually quite nice by comparison, assuming the unpredictable weather cooperates and you have saved a little energy from the nasty bike ride to get through it. 

Last year at Mooseman I had a very good race and finished 8th in my age group.  I set a goal of improving my times in each discipline this year and trying to finish on the podium.  I have been training well and my confidence at being ready for a break-through performance has been steadily rising.  About a week ago, however, I overdid it on a long bike session and injured my right knee.  The good news is that there was no real damage to my muscles, joints, and soft tissue.....it appears it was just a strain from pushing too hard and that it will get better, but it came at a bad time.  My coach talked me down off the ceiling by telling me that all the training I did in March and April is what counts for Mooseman, that I built my fitness over months and it's there, ready for me to draw upon next Sunday.  In the mean time, I need to take it easy, heal as much as possible.

What I find fascinating is how much this set back affected my sense of self worth.  It is probably a testament to how much I vest myself in triathlon, but as soon as I realized that I couldn't ride without pain, and soon after discovered I was unable to run or even walk pain-free, I found myself feeling depressed, discouraged, and un-special.  I'm certain the equation is unique for every individual, but my ability to do the things I want to do in the physical world is a large component in my feeling good about myself. I'm vain and the way I look matters.  I value my career and continual learning, so my accomplishments, success, and advancement at work also are factors.  I'm not currently in a relationship, but in the last one I derived a great deal of self worth from being a good partner and co-parent.  Unfortunately, when she told me she no longer loved me my sense of value in this regard was reduced to rubble and I have not yet figured out how to recover that collapsed aspect of my self worth. I guess what I'm trying to say is that for me, feeling unable to do the things that I love to do is a real blow.....maybe more so because I am alone and don't have that foundation to support me and allow me to feel special.


Intellectually we know we have intrinsic value to ourselves, to others, and to the society of which we are a part, but I confess that there are many days when my feelings don't reflect this knowledge.  Last night I went to my Wednesday candlelight yoga class.  I arrived a few minutes early and had the chance to sit and catch-up with my instructor.  She just celebrated her birthday and it was a special one.....she was wearing a very large diamond on her left ring finger to prove it.  Needless to say, I was very happy for her and I enjoyed hearing about how her fiance went about proposing to her.  But deep inside me there was a small clamour as I was reminded of a time not long ago when I proposed to my last love on her birthday.  My outcome was not as celebratory as my yoga instructor's was......."I'll marry you someday" wasn't quite what I was looking for and, of course, someday never came.

Despite the affirmations or blows to our self esteem that the world dishes out, at the end of each day it is really how we see ourselves that matters.  It's important to recognize how the world perceives us, just as it's important in triathlon to be realistic about your abilities, in setting your goals, and in planning how you will train and race.  If you aren't aware of approximately where reality is solid and where your perception decouples from a given baseline, then you may be deluding yourself, which is a great recipe for erratic self worth and/or rude awakenings. 

But assuming that you have a pretty good handle on your place in the world, then I think being cognizant of how others see you should be information to take into consideration, but not that should be used to judge ourselves.  When we see in the mirror what we look like, when we stare into our own eyes at the person we are, that is what matters......all of the people we are not, all of the qualities we lack, all of the things we can't do, they are information, but they are not us. 

Last Saturday was beautiful in Vermont, but my knee hurt too much to ride or run.  All winter long I pined for blue skies and warm air so I could attack the roads, mountains, and valleys of Vermont on my bike.  But it was not to be and I was pretty down in the dumps about that.  Once upon a time I was a kayaker and I still have a very nice boat that hangs in my garage for about 360 days a year.  So Saturday I went to Farmers Market in Burlington, attended an excellent yoga class at Burlington Yoga, planted flowers in my garden, and then put my kayak on the Mini and drove over to Mallets Bay.  I had a wonderful paddle and skirting the islands of the bay, backing the boat into a water cave, and dreaming about owning some of the sail boats I saw gracefully moving across the wind reminded me that there are many dimensions to the world and to me.  Triathlon is important to me and at this point in my life it does partially define who I am and what my life is about.  Partially.  But triathlon is not all of me, not now, not ever.

Sometimes when one door closes another opens. It doesn't always happen right away and the waiting can be hard, leading to doubt about our value and place.  But I think the last couple of weeks has reminded me that even though my life isn't all that I want or would choose it to be, even though my finances aren't as plentiful as I would like, despite the fact that I spend more time alone than I prefer and feel less connected than I desire, for each attribute that I sometimes let diminish my self worth, there are complementary elements that can raise self worth if I only take the time to consider them.  I have time and freedom that many people would gladly trade for, to read or exercise, to write or to cook, to go to yoga or to the lake to paddle, even to nap or sleep in.  I enjoy health and fitness that few my age can imagine. 

And so, despite my injury and how it impacted my mood and outlook;  despite my haunted memories about a proposal made but not accepted; despite the fact that I am not deeply connected to another in life right now; despite the fact that my career could be much more meaningful; despite the fact that my triathlon career may not become what I had hoped; despite the fact that I spend more than I should and save less than I should;  despite all these things, I am, deep down, OK with who I am, with the life that I am living, and with the future that I am working towards.

Self worth is a gift.......it's something you have to give to yourself.  It's simply too valuable to entrust that responsibility to anyone else, let alone the world at large.

Sweet Home Alabama

Saturday night I watched one of my favorite movies, Sweet Home Alabama.  I know what you're thinking: that's a chick-flick, you mister are a single guy, you should be watching sports or The Good, The  Bad and The Ugly, or maybe you should be out on the town carousing.  But, as it turns out, I never was much of a carouser and I trained on the bike for nearly 5 hours Saturday, riding 86 miles, including a climb over the Appalachian Gap and finishing with a quick transition to a 3 mile run.  Needless to say I was tired and neither going out nor watching a long serious movie seemed to fit the bill.  So I grilled a small grass fed strip streak, sauteed some broccoli in coconut oil, and got comfortable on the couch for a movie that entertains me every time I see it.

I think what I like about Sweet Home Alabama is that Melanie and Jake fall in love as children and it stays with them into adulthood.  Even when they're apart, even when they're mad at each other, or hurt, or convinced that they aren't right for each other, deep within each of them the love survives, and when it finally resurfaces it makes for some very interesting movie antics.

There are a couple of key lines in the movie that stick with me......one is when Jake says something to the effect that no one meets their soul-mate when they're 10 years old. But of course that is precisely what happened and all the denial and stored up pain in these two characters can't erase that fact.  I'm nearing 50 and obviously I didn't marry my childhood sweetheart.  In fact I've done poorly on the love front, due as much to my own poor judgment in picking partners as to bad luck or a myriad of other explanations. 

In any case, something inside of me, despite a life-time of evidence that speaks to the contrary, continues to cling to the romantic notion that there is a soul mate for me on this planet.  I suppose this indicates unfulfilled needs deep within that have not been met (and are not likely to be addressed in the latter third of my life), but you would think that at some point a person would be matured by time and broken hearts to the point where belief in true love yields to more practical concerns. My therapist is going to love talking about this next session.

The other line that really gets to me is late in the movie when Melanie is telling her new fiancee that she can't marry him.  Paraphrasing, she says that she gave all her heart to Jake when they were young and she never really got it back, even though she left Jake seven years ago, moved to New York City, and built a whole new life.  This girl convinced herself that she and Jake weren't right for each other, that he was her past not her future, yet at the moment when it really counts she realizes that she loves Jake, and despite all her thoughts and convictions, her new life and worldly success, she has never stopped loving him. 

I dream of having a partner that loves me that much, unconditionally, despite my faults, my issues, my past.  It will probably never happen and watching the movie brings me to tears as the realization and associated grief are touched by the drama.  It is a happy ending in the movie and it's a comedy that appeals to my sense of humor, my perspective on just how absurd life can be.......so by the time the credits roll, I'm feeling better; but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I thought long and hard about Jake and Melanie while I was running my 16 miles on Sunday morning.

I've been reading Blue Mars by Kim Stanley Robinson.  After the movie, I read for a little while before going to sleep.  I came across an interesting passage that very accurately captures how I feel relative to the idealism portrayed in Sweet Home Alabama.  One of the main characters, Nirgal, has company to his house, a couple with their little girl.  He observes how happy the little family is together, how right Nadia and Art are for one another, having been colleagues and friends for years before they became romantic.  Nirgal observes that only a few people in the world are fortunate enough to run into their true partners - it takes outrageous luck for it to happen, then the sense to recognize it, and finally the courage to act.  Very few can be expected to navigate all that and then to have things go well as life progresses.  The rest of us just have to make do.

That's how I feel at this point in my life......I'm making do.  On some days I have hope and faith that love is out there.  I was at a Kentucky Derby party last week and the girlfriend of one of my swimming mates told me that when I least expect it, that's when it will happen.  I don't know, maybe she's right, maybe not.

On other days I am consumed by the end of my last relationship.  I was convinced that she was finally the one and I put everything I had into that love. I've been known to get a little delusional in relationships, but in this case she felt the same way, and we talked often of spending the rest of our lives together, of getting married.  We even went so far as to pick rings, a location, and a date.  People change I guess, and in her case she thought her way out of the relationship, or fell out of love, or met someone else that undercut her faith in us, or something.......so that we went from wedding planning to my heart being crushed in a matter of a few months.  The details are less important to me now than the lingering doubt that if true love could evaporate that fast, perhaps there is no true love, no soul mate, at least not for me.  Maybe this woman, this heart break, is the final blow to my idealism, and now it's time to grow-up, be practical, and stop pining for something as elusive as a soul mate.

I have a spirited debate churning away inside of me.......Sweet Home Alabama on the side of idealism and true love, or, the object lessons of a lifetime of let down and betrayal that illustrate the fragility (or fallacy) of true love.  In the long run, it may well be that life is really just about making do.

Familiar Roads

It was raining this morning when I woke, so I started my day with an indoor bike ride on my trainer and then changed clothes and went for a 4 mile run outside.  It was blustery and as I ran into the wind up Dorset Street the rain lashed at my face and at times the gusts nearly stopped me.  It was nice to reach the 2 mile point and have the wind pushing at me from behind all the way back home.

I train year-round and have lived here a long time.  I enjoy exploring and finding new places to run and bike, but I also have some standard routes and I use them a lot.  Some people would say that it's boring to run or bike the same roads over and over, but I disagree.  Today was a perfect example, going out Dorset Street from my condo, a path I follow so regularly that I have probably left significant amounts of tread from running shoes on the recreation path asphalt. 

But the interesting thing about this morning that got me thinking about writing this post is that the run didn't seem the same because the weather had my attention.  And most of the time when I running my familiar routes or riding my favorite loops, the conditions vary so much that each session is a unique experience in and of itself.  I run in winter and there is snow falling around me as I pass by the Cider Mill on Dorset, the houses behind lit up and looking as if they're inside a snow globe.  In the Spring I head out the door before sunrise and watch the light change as the sun comes up over the Green Mountains, the clouds above the Cider Mill streaked with pink, orange, and platinum.  On a warm summer evening as I ride past Dorset Park I can hear the sounds of the kids on the playground and the Little Leaguers enjoying themselves on the baseball diamond.  On a clear Fall night there are a million stars in the sky, or a full moon rising over Camel's Hump, as it did this last weekend, huge and round, and glowing as it climbs past ridge line and a smattering of clouds.

I'm trying to make a point here by illustrating that my feet and bike tires literally know every inch of some of the local roads that I cover during my training.....Dorset Street, Spear Street, Hinesburg Road, Shelburne Farms, the Burlington Bike Path.......but I never tire of covering this ground because every time I go out, even though I have memorized the route, there's always something unique about that session in terms of the weather, the light, the sounds, the temperature, not to mention how I feel and what the state is in my inner environment. 

For those of you who know me and my writing, you know that I'm headed somewhere with this and that we're about to depart from triathlon training and make a metaphorical leap into something more personal.  In this case it's how we view our partner, our boyfriend or girlfriend, our husband or wife, after we've been with them for awhile......long enough to sometimes take each other for granted.

Life has a way of wearing us down , and when we're in a relationship for a long time, especially when we live day in and day out with another person, it can be like always running the same routes. If we just focus on the ground in front of us, it may look like it always does and we may find ourselves bored or ambivalent, annoyed or oblivious; we tune out, in effect missing the uniqueness of each encounter, the differences that surround us if only we allow ourselves to perceive them.

When it comes to making relationships last I don't know anything.......well, maybe that isn't completely true, but I don't really have any conclusive evidence that I have the knowledge and tools to go the distance.  Nevertheless, I write from the heart and my currently broken one is of the opinion that all too often we don't get up each day when we're in a relationship and really look at our partner with eyes wide open to the uniqueness, beauty, warmness, intelligence, kindness, talents, and gifts that they possess.  As with runs that cross the same weathered patch of concrete every time we go that way, where that well-known spot looks different due to light, time of day, or season, so too can our partner, ostensibly so familiar, in fact possess ephemeral beauty in the light of a second more studied gaze.

Nowhere is this more true than in the bedroom.  It is my opinion that all too often we fail to take the time to really see and experience the beauty and sensuality of each other when we give ourselves to the relationship in that most intimate way.  I know from my own experiences that it's easier at the beginning of the relationship when everything is new, glowing, perfect. During the honeymoon phase we take the time to immerse ourselves, to give unconditionally, to enjoy every touch, curve, taste, and view of our lover.  But I think that as time goes on and normal life takes over, we let this aspect of our relationship go, or at least go dormant.  In my mind this is a sad state......it's natural to have the intensity decline over time, but in our busy lives where there is so much opportunity for distraction, stress, and other kinds of sensory overload, I believe many of us fail to appreciate and give homage to the person that we live with and have chosen to be intimate with........we make love hurriedly, without really seeing, without taking the time to explore, appreciate, please, and in the final analysis, love our partner.  When we do this we are like the runner that cares only about running and doesn't look right or left, doesn't see what's around them in the moment, doesn't honor the experience.

These days I'm short on answers and long on thoughts, feelings, and questions.  But I know this, just because the honeymoon is over doesn't mean that the caring, intimacy, sensuality, and love that were discovered during this time has to be lost.  It's still there in the collective soul of the relationship and I encourage all of you in long term relationships to make it a point to encourage, explore and savor this aspect of your love.  When you are with your partner, when you come together by candlelight, or over a glass of wine, when you feel romantic and have made the time to be together, in that moment pause....then open your eyes (and your soul) to them.

Trust me, it will pay unimaginable dividends.

Personal Ad

When I was single about a year ago I gave the personal ads a try in an attempt to jump start my social life.  Part of this experience is building a profile about yourself and what you're looking for.  These take many forms and can be quite entertaining, sad, and even scary. 

I didn't want my profile to be static, so I wrote different things for it and updated my pictures regularly.  One format that appealed to me when I read other people's profiles was the You-Me style.  In this form one describes what they desire, hope to find, value in their ideal mate (the YOU section) and then tells about themselves in similiar or complementary terms. 

At that time in my life I was filled with conviction about what I was looking for and what I had to offer.  Add to that the fact that I am a writer, and, well you get the picture.....I created a fairly long, intense, and judging from the feedback I got, interesting profile.  Here's it is for quick perusal:

YOU - lithe, sexy, sublime curves hidden sometimes, occasionally flaunted, intelligent, funny, easy going in daily life but with the underpinnings of drive, determination, and confidence. Eyes that open to your soul and eclipse everything else when I look into them. If you can't express your thoughts and feelings respectfully (and hear mine) then we probably wouldn't be good for each other. If you think discussing and working on our relationship is drama, or too much work, then I'm sure we wouldn't be good together. Trusted partner, kind and gentle friend, passionate and uninhibited lover, appreciator of created and natural beauty, believer in a fun and sensual life together, a life characterized by interdependence, supportiveness, connection, and self-awareness. We are not the same, we each have our strengths and our weaknesses, but in the most fundamental sense, we are equals and face each other with that appreciation. I desire a woman who embraces the femine, masculine, and human aspects of her nature, who enjoys a sexy dress and its effects on me, but who is able to make the shift to comfortable or practical depending on where we're going and what we're doing. She does not denigrate others to build herself up, and she sees life and our world in a million shades of vibrant color, not black and white.

ME - I am a sensual man who experiences life through direct interaction, where the subtleties of light, the variousness of sounds, the diversity of tastes, and the delight of touch call to me to immerse and share and experience. A physical man, lifetime athlete, I do more than just take care of myself, I strive to let my inner spirit soar, to perform at or beyond my abilities, to feel and enjoy the motion and power that come from learning, and training, and willing myself down the road, up the rock face, through the water. I crave the feeling of zen that I sometimes achieve with this world and my place in it as my muscles and breathing and senses all work in concert toward my goals. I would like someone to co-experience with, but if that is not possible I at least need someone who understands how I experience this world, my need to be active, and what those things are in life that bring me happiness on a physical level. A sentient intellectual, I feel things intensely and seek meaningful connection in my relationships. Superficial experiences are no problem, as long as the underlying nature of the relationship is based on soulful intimacy that both of us consciously nurture to maintain and act to deepen. I value actions over words, but I love words and writing. I like down time, relaxing time, sensual time, but I am not normally content to sit beside my lover staring at a screen without interaction, touch, sharing between us. Naps together to recover are a guilty but often indulged in pleasure. My inner growth is an important commitment to me and I set aside time for this, but I am happiest when I am close, connected, and sharing life with my best friend and lover. I believe in open and honest communication, prefer talking or writing to yelling, but much prefer animated expression of feelings to the coldness and divisiveness of the silent treatment. I would rather lose sleep to work things out, than go to bed with distance between us. I believe in the power of touch, the romance of massage, the pathway of giving each other pleasure to greater closeness, healing, and understanding. I believe more in maintaining connection through tough times than in reconnecting after periods of emotional estrangement. It sounds like a lot and it is, but that's me.

I think everything I wrote in that profile is still an accurate, if optimistic representation of what's important to me.  However, I've come a long way since then and been through a breakup that has set me back on my proverbial heels regarding trust of other human beings and what I hope to find in my next relationship if/when I'm ready to try again.  As of today it's pretty simple:

YOU - feel like you can't live without me and the choices you make in life deepen, broaden and perpetuate this commitment in our relationship;

ME - feel like I can't live without you and the way I live, the choices I make every day deepen, affirm and encourage this commitment in our relationship.

I mean really, is this too much to ask?