Self Worth

I am writing today about self worth.  This term probably has different meanings for each person, but to me it signifies how I feel about myself, about the life that I have created, and my sense of belonging and connection to the world in which we live.  As such self worth is a feeling and is influenced intangibly by the confluence of many factors, including but not limited to health, career, relationships, finances, and hobbies.  I think my self worth waxes and wanes, like the phases of the moon albeit less consistently, and the causes of these fluctuations gives me pause to ponder.

My first triathlon of the season is quickly approaching, the Mooseman 70.3 Half Ironman, in Bristol, New Hampshire on June 3rd.  This race takes place in a beautiful setting, but is tough.  The swim is in Newfound Lake with crystal clear water that is typically about 60 degrees this time of year.  The bike course has a brutal climb on it that you have to go over twice.  Usually on the second time up you find yourself just trying to keep moving so you don't topple over at the steepest section.  The run is actually quite nice by comparison, assuming the unpredictable weather cooperates and you have saved a little energy from the nasty bike ride to get through it. 

Last year at Mooseman I had a very good race and finished 8th in my age group.  I set a goal of improving my times in each discipline this year and trying to finish on the podium.  I have been training well and my confidence at being ready for a break-through performance has been steadily rising.  About a week ago, however, I overdid it on a long bike session and injured my right knee.  The good news is that there was no real damage to my muscles, joints, and soft tissue.....it appears it was just a strain from pushing too hard and that it will get better, but it came at a bad time.  My coach talked me down off the ceiling by telling me that all the training I did in March and April is what counts for Mooseman, that I built my fitness over months and it's there, ready for me to draw upon next Sunday.  In the mean time, I need to take it easy, heal as much as possible.

What I find fascinating is how much this set back affected my sense of self worth.  It is probably a testament to how much I vest myself in triathlon, but as soon as I realized that I couldn't ride without pain, and soon after discovered I was unable to run or even walk pain-free, I found myself feeling depressed, discouraged, and un-special.  I'm certain the equation is unique for every individual, but my ability to do the things I want to do in the physical world is a large component in my feeling good about myself. I'm vain and the way I look matters.  I value my career and continual learning, so my accomplishments, success, and advancement at work also are factors.  I'm not currently in a relationship, but in the last one I derived a great deal of self worth from being a good partner and co-parent.  Unfortunately, when she told me she no longer loved me my sense of value in this regard was reduced to rubble and I have not yet figured out how to recover that collapsed aspect of my self worth. I guess what I'm trying to say is that for me, feeling unable to do the things that I love to do is a real blow.....maybe more so because I am alone and don't have that foundation to support me and allow me to feel special.


Intellectually we know we have intrinsic value to ourselves, to others, and to the society of which we are a part, but I confess that there are many days when my feelings don't reflect this knowledge.  Last night I went to my Wednesday candlelight yoga class.  I arrived a few minutes early and had the chance to sit and catch-up with my instructor.  She just celebrated her birthday and it was a special one.....she was wearing a very large diamond on her left ring finger to prove it.  Needless to say, I was very happy for her and I enjoyed hearing about how her fiance went about proposing to her.  But deep inside me there was a small clamour as I was reminded of a time not long ago when I proposed to my last love on her birthday.  My outcome was not as celebratory as my yoga instructor's was......."I'll marry you someday" wasn't quite what I was looking for and, of course, someday never came.

Despite the affirmations or blows to our self esteem that the world dishes out, at the end of each day it is really how we see ourselves that matters.  It's important to recognize how the world perceives us, just as it's important in triathlon to be realistic about your abilities, in setting your goals, and in planning how you will train and race.  If you aren't aware of approximately where reality is solid and where your perception decouples from a given baseline, then you may be deluding yourself, which is a great recipe for erratic self worth and/or rude awakenings. 

But assuming that you have a pretty good handle on your place in the world, then I think being cognizant of how others see you should be information to take into consideration, but not that should be used to judge ourselves.  When we see in the mirror what we look like, when we stare into our own eyes at the person we are, that is what matters......all of the people we are not, all of the qualities we lack, all of the things we can't do, they are information, but they are not us. 

Last Saturday was beautiful in Vermont, but my knee hurt too much to ride or run.  All winter long I pined for blue skies and warm air so I could attack the roads, mountains, and valleys of Vermont on my bike.  But it was not to be and I was pretty down in the dumps about that.  Once upon a time I was a kayaker and I still have a very nice boat that hangs in my garage for about 360 days a year.  So Saturday I went to Farmers Market in Burlington, attended an excellent yoga class at Burlington Yoga, planted flowers in my garden, and then put my kayak on the Mini and drove over to Mallets Bay.  I had a wonderful paddle and skirting the islands of the bay, backing the boat into a water cave, and dreaming about owning some of the sail boats I saw gracefully moving across the wind reminded me that there are many dimensions to the world and to me.  Triathlon is important to me and at this point in my life it does partially define who I am and what my life is about.  Partially.  But triathlon is not all of me, not now, not ever.

Sometimes when one door closes another opens. It doesn't always happen right away and the waiting can be hard, leading to doubt about our value and place.  But I think the last couple of weeks has reminded me that even though my life isn't all that I want or would choose it to be, even though my finances aren't as plentiful as I would like, despite the fact that I spend more time alone than I prefer and feel less connected than I desire, for each attribute that I sometimes let diminish my self worth, there are complementary elements that can raise self worth if I only take the time to consider them.  I have time and freedom that many people would gladly trade for, to read or exercise, to write or to cook, to go to yoga or to the lake to paddle, even to nap or sleep in.  I enjoy health and fitness that few my age can imagine. 

And so, despite my injury and how it impacted my mood and outlook;  despite my haunted memories about a proposal made but not accepted; despite the fact that I am not deeply connected to another in life right now; despite the fact that my career could be much more meaningful; despite the fact that my triathlon career may not become what I had hoped; despite the fact that I spend more than I should and save less than I should;  despite all these things, I am, deep down, OK with who I am, with the life that I am living, and with the future that I am working towards.

Self worth is a gift.......it's something you have to give to yourself.  It's simply too valuable to entrust that responsibility to anyone else, let alone the world at large.